Kevin Stilley

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September 8, 2015 by kevinstilley

Alheimer’s Disease – Pain and Loss

My father passed away several years ago after years of progressive mental and physical loss due to Alzheimer’s disease. So, when I read the following lines in Ian McEwan’s book “Saturday” they struck a chord in my soul.

“His mother no longer possesses the faculties to anticipate his arrival, recognize him when he’s with her, or remember him after he’s left. An empty visit. She doesn’t expect him and she wouldn’t be disappointed if he failed to show up. It’s like taking flowers to a graveside—the true business is with the past…. He hates going to see her, he despises himself if he stays away too long.”

I don’t even know what to say. I know all too well the emotions of which he speaks, but have no words to say anything further.

——

 

Filed Under: Blog, Front Page Tagged With: Alzheimer's, Family

June 4, 2014 by kevinstilley

Marriage and Home book recommendations

Danny Akin, President of Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary, has recommended the following books on Marriage and Home.  What do you think?  What changes would you make to the list?

Akin, Daniel L. God on Sex: The Creator’s Ideas about Love, Intimacy and Marriage from the Song of Songs. Nashville: Broadman & Holman, 2003.

Crabb, Lawrence J. The Marriage Builder: A Blueprint for Couples and Counselors. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1982.

Cutrer, William, and Sandra Glahn. When Empty Arms Become a Heavy Burden: Encouragement for Couples Facing Infertility. Nashville: Broadman & Holman, 1997.

Dobson James. Parenting Isn’t for Cowards. Dallas: Word, 1987.

_______ . The New Dare to Discipline. Wheaton: Tyndale, 1992.

Harley, Williard F., Jr. His Needs, Her Needs. Reprint. Grand Rapids: Baker, 1994.

Lahaye, Tim and Beverly. The Act of Marriage. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1976.

Powlison, David. Seeing With New Eyes. Phillipsberg, N.J.: P & R, 2003.

Smalley, Gary, and John Trent. The Gift of the Blessing. upd. and exp. Nashville: Nelson, 1993.

Thomas, Gary. Sacred Marriage. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2002.

Tripp, Paul David. Shepherding a Child’s Heart. rev. ed. Wapwallopen, PA: Shepherd Press, 1998.

Wheat, Ed, and Gaye. Intended for Pleasure. rev. Grand Rapids: Baker, 1981.

Wright, H. Norman. Marital Counseling: A Biblically-Based Behavioral, Cognitive Approach. Denver: Christian Marriage Enrichment, 1981.

_______ . Pre-Marital Counseling. Chicago: Moody, 1977.

Filed Under: Blog, Books, Family, Theology Tagged With: bibliography, Book Recommendation, Daniel Akin, Family, home, Parenting, reading list, SEBTS, sex

June 6, 2013 by kevinstilley

Trip to the Fort Worth Zoo







Filed Under: Blog, Family Circus Tagged With: animals, Family, Fort Worth, Stilley, Zoo

March 3, 2013 by kevinstilley

Family Change

changeAll too often when we say we want our family to change, or our organization to change, what we really want is for other people to do the changing. We are like the captain in this story —

Through the pitch-black night the captain sees a light ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal, “Change your course 10 degrees east.”

The light signals back, “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”

Angry, the captain sends, “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!

“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.

Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”

There’s one last reply, “I’m a lighthouse, your call.”

Perhaps when we really want change, we need to be a bit more self-reflective.

__________

Change – select quotes

Filed Under: Blog, Family, Humor Tagged With: change, Family, Organizational Behavior

January 9, 2013 by kevinstilley

Movies for Fathers and Sons

In the book Teknon and the Champion Warriors, Brent Sapp recommends the following movies for fathers and sons to watch and discuss together. What do you think of his recommendations? What would you add to his list?

  • Ben Hur (1959) G
  • Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde (1943) not rated
  • The Four Feathers (1939) not rated
  • High Noon (1952) not rated
  • The Robe (1953) not rated
  • Mr Smith Goes to Washington (1939) not rated
  • The Searchers (1956) not rated
  • Support Your Local Sheriff (1969) G
  • Ten Commandments (1956) G
  • Deep Impact (1998) PG-13
  • Hoosiers (1986) PG
  • Man From Snowy River (1982) PG
  • Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn (1982) PG
  • Apollo 13 (1995) PG-13
  • Chariot of Fire (1981) PG
  • The Hiding Place (1975)
  • Iron Will (1994) PG
  • October Sky (1999) PG
  • Rudy (1993) PG
  • Sergeant York (1941) not rated
  • The Spirit of St. Louis (1957) PG
  • Stanley and Livingston (1939) not rated

Filed Under: Blog, Family Tagged With: Family, film, Movies, Parenting, video

October 28, 2012 by kevinstilley

What Do You Think?

If you could take back something you said in the last year, what would it be?

Filed Under: Blog, What Do You Think? Tagged With: age, art, Blog, childhood, cinema, civilization, Culture, debate, earth, Eschatology, Evangelism, Family, fear, film, God, Heaven, hell, History, immortality, interests, Jesus, milieu, movie, painting, Parenting, past, phobia, physiology, talkshow, tatoo, teaching, television, variety show, What Do You Think?, Worldview

October 22, 2012 by kevinstilley

What is a Girl?

What Is A Girl?
by Alan Beck

Little girls are the nicest things that can happen to people. They are born with a bit of angel-shine about them, and though it wears thin sometimes, there is always enough left to lasso your heart—even when they are sitting in the mud, or crying temperamental tears, or parading up the street in Mother’s best clothes.

A little girl can be sweeter (and badder) oftener than anyone else in the world. She can jitter around, and stomp, and make funny noises that frazzle your nerves, yet just when you open your mouth, she stands there demure with that special look in her eyes. A girl is Innocence playing in the mud, Beauty standing on its head, and Motherhood dragging a doll by the foot.

God borrows from many creatures to make a little girl. He uses the song of a bird, the squeal of a pig, the stubbornness of a mule, the antics of a monkey, the spryness of a grasshopper, the curiosity of a cat, the speed of a gazelle, the slyness of a fox, the softness of a kitten, and to top it all off He adds the mysterious mind of a woman.

A little girl likes new shoes, party dresses, small animals, first grade, noisemakers, the girl next door, dolls, make-believe, dancing lessons, ice cream, kitchens, coloring books, make-up, cans of water, going visiting, tea parties, and one boy. She doesn’t care so much for visitors, boys in general, large dogs, hand-me-downs, straight chairs, vegetables, snowsuits, or staying in the front yard.

She is loudest when you are thinking, the prettiest when she has provoked you, the busiest at bedtime, the quietest when you want to show her off, and the most flirtatious when she absolutely must not get the best of you again. Who else can cause you more grief, joy, irritation, satisfaction, embarrassment, and genuine delight than this combination of Eve, Salome, and Florence Nightingale.

She can muss up your home, your hair, and your dignity—spend your money, your time, and your patience—and just when your temper is ready to crack, her sunshine peeks through and you’ve lost again.

Yes, she is a nerve-wracking nuisance, just a noisy bundle of mischief. But when your dreams tumble down and the world is a mess—when it seems you are pretty much of a fool after all—she can make you a king when she climbs on your knee and whispers, “I love you best of all!”

Filed Under: Blog, Family Tagged With: Family, Girls, love, Parenting

June 10, 2012 by kevinstilley

Parenting 101 – select quotes

parenting

Click on image

Associations and sympathy have far more influence with children, than argument or reasoning. Or rather, we might almost say, associations and sympathy have all the influence, and argument none at all… If you have no sympathy with [your children’s] childish feelings, you can gain no sympathy in their hearts for the sentiments and principles you may endeavor to inculcate upon them. If, however, you can secure their affection and sympathy, your power over them is almost unbounded. They will believe whatever you tell them, and adopt the principles and feelings you express, simply because they are yours. They will catch the very tone of your voice, and expression of your countenance, and reflect spontaneously, the moral image, whatever it may be, which your character may hold up before them.
~ Jacob Abbott

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
~ Erma Bombeck

Parents are not interested in justice, they are interested in quiet.
~ Bill Cosby

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
~ Phyllis Diller

The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children.
~ King Edward VII

The reason you want your kids to pay attention in school is you haven’t the faintest idea how to do their homework.
~ Babs Bell Hajdusiewicz

Nurses nurse
and teachers teach
and tailors mend
and preachers preach
and barbers trim
and chauffeurs haul
and parents get to do it all.
~ Babs Bell Hajdusiewicz

An advantage of having one child is you always know who did it.
~ Babs Bell Hajdusiewicz

Parenting — not politics, not the classroom, not the laboratory, not even the pulpit — is the place of greatest influence.
~ Kent and Barbara Hughes

Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they’re going to catch you in next.
~ Franklin P. Jones

A torn jacket is soon mended, but hard words bruise the heart of a child.
~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Our children are being raised by appliances.
~ Bill Moyers

Having a kid is like falling in love for the first time when you’re 12, but every day.
~ Mike Myers

Never raise your hand to your children; it leaves your midsection unprotected.
~ Robert Orben

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
~ Robert Orben

I was doing the family grocery shopping accompanied by two children, an event I hope to see included in the Olympics in the near future.
~ Anna Quindlen

Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.
~ Ray Romano

Have children while your parents are still young enough to take care of them.
~ Rita Rudner

Parents, if you love your children, do all that lies in your power to train them up to a habit of prayer. Show them how to begin. Tell them what to say. Encourage them to persevere. Remind them if they become careless and slack about it. Let it not be your fault, at any rate, if they never call on the name of the Lord.
~ John Ryle, in The Duties of Parents

Love should be the silver thread that runs through all your conduct. Kindness, gentleness, long-suffering, forbearance, patience, sympathy, a willingness to enter into childish troubles, a readiness to take part in childish joys, — these are the cords by which a child may be led most easily, — these are the clues you must follow if you would ind the way to his heart.
~ J.C. Ryle

Parents, do you wish to see your children happy? Take care, then, that you train them to obey when they are spoken to, –to do as they are bid…. Teach them to obey while young, or else they will be fretting against God all their lives long, and wear themselves out with the vain idea of being independent of His control.
~ J. C. Ryle

A man cannot leave a better legacy to the world than a well-educated family.
~ Thomas Scott

Each new generation born is in effect an invasion of civilization by little barbarians, who must be civilized before it is too late.
~ Thomas Sowell

Train up a child in the way he should go–but be sure you go that way yourself.
~ Charles Spurgeon

An evil upbringing in the home is worse than the wars of God and Magog.
~ Talmud, Berakot, 7

He who teaches his son is as if he had taught his son, his son’s son, and so on to the end of all generations.
~ Talmud, Kiddushin, 30

Do not threaten a child.  Either punish or forgive him.
~ Talmud, Semahot, 2, 6

Hardly anything can be more important in the mental training of a child than the bringing him to do it in its proper time, whether he enjoys it or not. The measure of a child’s ability to do this becomes, in the long run, the measure of his practical efficiency in whatever sphere of life he labors.
~ ~ H. Clay Trumbull, in Hints on Child Training

No parent ought to punish a child except with a view to the child’s good. And in order to do good to a child through his punishment, a parent must religiously refrain from punishing him while angry.
~ H. Clay Trumbull, in Hints on Child Training

Parents: A peculiar group who first try to get their children to walk and talk, and then try to get them to sit down and shut up.
~ Wagster’s Dictionary of Humor and Wit

Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories.
~ John Wilmot, Earl of Rochester

I’ve got two wonderful children — and two out of five isn’t too bad.
~ Henry Youngman

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
~ Unknown

Filed Under: Blog, Family, Quotes Tagged With: babysitting, Blog, childbirth, childraising, children, discipline, Family, love, marriage, parenthood, Parenting, pregnancy, Quotes

February 10, 2012 by kevinstilley

Oedipus the King – discussion questions

What were your initial thoughts about the character of Oedipus?  Did your thoughts about him change as you read through the drama?

“Dramatic irony is a relationship of contrast between a character’s limited understanding of his or her situation in some particular moment of the unfolding action and what the audience, at the same instant, understands the character’s situation actually to be.” Where do we see dramatic irony in this drama?

Why was Teiresias hesitant to share what he knew about the death of King Laius?

Did Teiresias really believe that it would be better for everyone if truth were to remain undisclosed?  Jocasta also asks Oedipus to stop investigating his lineage (line 1063).  Is truth always best known.  Always best shared?  Is it always best for guilt to be made public?  In government?   In marriage?  In the church?  Is ignorance bliss?  Is bliss the greatest good? 

Oedipus says, “Indeed I am so angry I shall not hold back a jot of what I think.”    Can kings afford to get angry?  Other leaders?  Pastors?  What should leaders do with their anger? [Anger – select quotes]

The Chorus advises Oedipus that “those who are qick of temper are not safe.”  Oedipus responds that plots must be dealt with quickly.  (lines 615-620)  Which one is right?

Teiresias is blind but sees.  Oedipus has eyes but is blind. (line 413)  Why is Oedipus, the man who solved the riddle of the Sphinx, so slow to solve the riddle of his own identity?

At what point does steadfastness and perseverence become mere obstinancy? (line 550)

Creon says to Oedipus, “But do not charge me on obscure opinion without some proof to back it.  It’s not just lightly to count your knaves as honest men, nor honest men as knaves.  To throw away an honest friend is, as it were, to throw your life away, which a man loves the best.”  Have you ever been accused falsely?  Betrayed?  Have you ever accused a friend or family member on the basis of “obscure opinion without some proof to back it?  do you think that this is a major problem in the church?  In politics?  What does the Bible say about this?

What does Creon mean when he says “time in the only test of honest men, one day is space enough to know a rogue”?

Oedipus asks, “Was I not born evil?  Am I not utterly unclean?”  What is the Christian response to these questions?

The Chorus contrasts insolence with eager ambition. (lines 874-884)  Are they opposites? 

Jocasta declares, “Now when we look to him [Oedipus] we are all afraid; he’s pilot of our ship and he is frightened.” (lines 921-922)  Can leaders show fear?

Freud was fascinated with this drama, particularly that element of it described by Jocasta, “As to your mother’s marriage bed, –dont fear it.  Before this, in dreams too, as well as oracles, many a man has lain with his own mother.  But he to whom such tings are nothing bears his life most easily.”  Should we just gag and go on, or is there something  in this that should be considered by us?

Why did Oedipus blind himself?  Do you believe his explanation for why he blinded himself? 

Creon refuses to banish Oedipus until he has consulted the gods.  How does this compare with the manner in which Oedipus governed?  Do you think Creon will prove to be a great leader as he takes over the reigns of government?

The last line of the drama is “Count no mortal happy till he has passed the final limit of his life secure from pain.”  Huh?  How does this compare with what Aristotle says about happiness in Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics?  With what Solon says about happiness when discoursing with King Croesus?

Who (or what)  is to blame for this great big mess? The gods?  Oedipus?  Jocasta? Fate?  (MSNBC reported that it was George Bush’s fault.)

Where do we see hubris in these lines of text?  Where do we see the conflict between the forces of nomos and physis?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Some notes on Oedipus from Aristotle’s Poetics:

“Reversal of the Situation is a change by which the action veers round to its opposite, subject always to our rule of probability or necessity. Thus in the Oedipus, the messenger comes to cheer Oedipus and free him from his alarms about his mother, but by revealing who he is, he produces the opposite effect.”

“Recognition, as the name indicates, is a change from ignorance to knowledge, producing love or hate between the persons destined by the poet for good or bad fortune. The best form of recognition is coincident with a Reversal of the Situation, as in the Oedipus.”

“A perfect tragedy should, as we have seen, be arranged not on the simple but on the complex plan. It should, moreover, imitate actions which excite pity and fear, this being the distinctive mark of tragic imitation. It follows plainly, in the first place, that the change of fortune presented must not be the spectacle of a virtuous man brought from prosperity to adversity: for this moves neither pity nor fear; it merely shocks us. Nor, again, that of a bad man passing from adversity to prosperity: for nothing can be more alien to the spirit of Tragedy; it possesses no single tragic quality; it neither satisfies the moral sense nor calls forth pity or fear. Nor, again, should the downfall of the utter villain be exhibited. A plot of this kind would, doubtless, satisfy the moral sense, but it would inspire neither pity nor fear; for pity is aroused by unmerited misfortune, fear by the misfortune
of a man like ourselves. Such an event, therefore, will be neither pitiful nor terrible. There remains, then, the character between these two extremes- that of a man who is not eminently good and just, yet whose misfortune is brought about not by vice or depravity, but by some error or frailty. He must be one who is highly renowned and prosperous- a personage like Oedipus, Thyestes, or other illustrious men of such families.”

“A well-constructed plot should, therefore, be single in its issue, rather than double as some maintain. The change of fortune should be not from bad to good, but, reversely, from good to bad. It should come about as the result not of vice, but of some great error or frailty, in a character either such as we have described, or better rather than worse. The practice of the stage bears out our view. At first the poets recounted any legend that came in their way. Now, the best tragedies are founded on the story of a few houses- on the fortunes of Alcmaeon, Oedipus, Orestes, Meleager, Thyestes, Telephus, and those others who have done or suffered something terrible. A tragedy, then, to be perfect according to the rules of art should be of this construction.”

“Fear and pity may be aroused by spectacular means; but they may also result from the inner structure of the piece, which is the better way, and indicates a superior poet. For the plot ought to be so constructed that, even without the aid of the eye, he who hears the tale told will thrill with horror and melt to pity at what takes Place. This is the impression we should receive from hearing the story of the Oedipus. But to produce this effect by the mere spectacle is a less artistic method, and dependent on extraneous aids. Those who employ spectacular means to create a sense not of the terrible but only of the monstrous, are strangers to the purpose of Tragedy; for we must not demand of Tragedy any and every kind of pleasure, but only that which is proper to it. And since the pleasure which the poet should afford is that which comes from pity and fear through imitation, it is evident that this quality must be impressed upon the incidents.”

Filed Under: Blog, Books, History, Philosophy Tagged With: Family, Freud, government, Oedipus, secrets, Sophocles, truth

May 30, 2011 by kevinstilley

Fun In The Sun

Kevin and RickSwimming, boating, golf, camping — many people will get more sun over the Memorial Day weekend than they have for many months. That can be both good and bad.

Bad if you catch too many rays, we’ve all had that experience.

But good in many, many ways. Sunlight is one of the best medications for depression, your skin creates additional vitamin D when exposed to sunshine which is believed to help the immune system, and as for me …

… it helps me live in the moment.

I recently wrote about sitting on the hardwood floors of my childhood home and watching the sun rays expose the tiny little objects floating around in the air. Forty years later I still feel good when I think about that moment in which time seemed to slow down, everything else faded away, and I was completely 100% alive in the minute details of the event. Sunlight.

I have many memories that seem to have been somehow focused and made special by the rays of the sun; laying in a rubber raft feeling the rays penetrate my body while floating down Spring River, seeing the rays of the sun slip through the cracks in the roof of our hen-house, the anticipation building as the sun comes up on the morning of Miami, Oklahoma’s annual Sidewalk Sale….

The very first memory I have of life involves sunlight. Our dairy cow was as much pet as she was product. In fact, even her name was “Pet.” My first, and one of my best, memories in life is of her sunbathing in the pasture, me crawling up lying down on her, feeling her sides rise and fall as she breathed in and out, feeling the radiant heat absorbed by her coarse red hair from the suns rays.

Yes, the sun has a way of helping one be completely 100% alive in the minute details of events. Enjoy your Memorial Day. May it be bright and sunny.

Filed Under: Blog, Family Tagged With: Blog, cancer, dairy, depression, Family, memory, Missouri, radiation, sun, ultraviolet

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