Kevin Stilley

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Kevin Stilley on For Christ and Culture Radio

I am a frequent contributor to the For Christ and Culture radio program hosted by Barry Creamer daily on KCBI radio FM 90.9.

Here are links to some of the shows on which I have appeared.

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Marriage and Home book recommendations

Danny Akin, President of Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary, has recommended the following books on Marriage and Home.  What do you think?  What changes would you make to the list?

Akin, Daniel L. God on Sex: The Creator’s Ideas about Love, Intimacy and Marriage from the Song of Songs. Nashville: Broadman & Holman, 2003.

Crabb, Lawrence J. The Marriage Builder: A Blueprint for Couples and Counselors. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1982.

Cutrer, William, and Sandra Glahn. When Empty Arms Become a Heavy Burden: Encouragement for Couples Facing Infertility. Nashville: Broadman & Holman, 1997.

Dobson James. Parenting Isn’t for Cowards. Dallas: Word, 1987.

_______ . The New Dare to Discipline. Wheaton: Tyndale, 1992.

Harley, Williard F., Jr. His Needs, Her Needs. Reprint. Grand Rapids: Baker, 1994.

Lahaye, Tim and Beverly. The Act of Marriage. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1976.

Powlison, David. Seeing With New Eyes. Phillipsberg, N.J.: P & R, 2003.

Smalley, Gary, and John Trent. The Gift of the Blessing. upd. and exp. Nashville: Nelson, 1993.

Thomas, Gary. Sacred Marriage. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2002.

Tripp, Paul David. Shepherding a Child’s Heart. rev. ed. Wapwallopen, PA: Shepherd Press, 1998.

Wheat, Ed, and Gaye. Intended for Pleasure. rev. Grand Rapids: Baker, 1981.

Wright, H. Norman. Marital Counseling: A Biblically-Based Behavioral, Cognitive Approach. Denver: Christian Marriage Enrichment, 1981.

_______ . Pre-Marital Counseling. Chicago: Moody, 1977.

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Manhood, Fatherhood, and Marriage – book recommendations

In the book Teknon and the Champion Warriors, Brent Sapp recommends the following resources on manhood, fatherhood, and marriage. What do you think of his recommendations?

  • The Christian Husband, by Bob Lepine
  • A Father for All Seasons, by Bob Welch
  • Four Pillars of a Man’s Heart, by Stu Weber
  • Halftime, by Bob Buford
  • The Man in the Mirror, by Patrick Morley
  • “Mens Fraternity: A Journey Into Authentic Manhood”, an audio seriesby Robert Lewis
  • Point Man, by Steve Farrar
  • Temptations Men Face, by Tom Eisenman
  • Tender Warrior, by Stu Weber
  • Moments Together for Couples, by Dennis and Barbara Rainey
  • The Mystery of Marriage, by Mike Mason
  • The New Building Your Mate’s Self Esteem, by Dennis and Barbara Rainey
  • Sexual Intimacy in Marriage, by William Cutrer and Sandra Glahn
  • “The Song of Solomon” audio series by Tommy Nelson
  • Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It, by Jerry Jenkins
  • Different Children, Different Needs, by Charles F. Boyd
  • Parenting Today’s Adolescent, by Dennis and Barbara Rainey
  • Passport to Purity, by Dennis and Barbara Rainey
  • Raising a Modern Day Knight, by Robert Lewis

 

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Marriage – select quotes

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One man has never married, and that’s his hell; another is, and that’s his plague.
~ Robert Burton, in The Anatomy of Melancholy

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
~ G. K. Chesterton

Every woman should marry, and no man.
~ Benjamin Disraeli, in Lothair

Vitium uxoris aut tollendum aut ferendum est. Qui tollit vitium, uxorem commodiorem praestat; qui fert, sese meliorem facit. [A wife’s faults must either be corrected or put up with. Who corrects the faults, makes his wife more pleasant; who puts up with them, makes himself a better man.]
~ Lucius Afranius, in Satirae Menippeae, De Officio mariti

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.
~ Jeff Foxworthy

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

The institution of marriage makes a parasite of woman, an absolute dependent. It incapacitates her for life’s struggle, annihilates her social consciousness, paralyzes her imagination, and then imposes its gracious protection, which is in reality a snare, a travesty on human character.
~ Emma Goldman

A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.
~ Ruth Bell Graham

Once a man’s married he’s absolutely bitched.
~ Ernest Hemingway, in The Three-Day Blow

A good marriage is when you’re married not to someone you can live with, but to someone you really cannot live without.
~ Dr. Howard Hendricks

Marriage: A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other for ninety-nine years, or until death do them join.
~ Elbert Hubbard

I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married.
~ Jared Kintz

Marriage is three parts love and seven parts forgiveness of sin.
~ Laozi

Marriage–a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters written in prose.
~ Beverly Nichols

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
~ Rita Rudner

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?
~ Barbra Streisand

If you want to become more like Jesus, I can’t imagine any better thing to do than to get married.
~ Gary Thomas

Yes, your spouse might be difficult to love at times, but that’s what marriage is for–to teach us how to love.
~ Gary Thomas

That is what marriage really means: helping one another to reach the full status of being persons, responsible and autonomous beings who do not run away from life.
~ Paul Tournier

One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do. Two can be as bad as one. It’s the loneliest number since the number one…
~ Three Dog Night

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
~ Henry Youngman

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Good Advice For Young Men?

Twenty-seven years ago at a Baptist Men’s Brotherhood breakfast the featured speakers stood in front of us with his fifteen-year-old son at his side.

“I am going to ask you this morning to do me and my son a great honor; I am going to ask you to speak into his life. Will you share with him out of your own personal experience some of the wisdom you have gained. What is the best advice you can give my son about the way he live’s his life.”

One by one men began to rise and share from their heart.

Many years have gone by but I thought about that morning recently when I read the following list of practical advice put together by H. Jackson Brown, Jr..

  1. Marry the right person. This one decision will determine 90% of your happiness or misery.

  2. Work at something you enjoy and that’s worthy of your time and talent.

  3. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

  4. Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.

  5. Be forgiving of yourself and others.

  6. Be generous.

  7. Have a grateful heart.

  8. Persistence, persistence, persistence.

  9. Discipline yourself to save money on even the most modest salary.

  10. Treat everyone you meet like you want to be treated.

  11. Commit yourself to constant improvement.

  12. Commit yourself to quality.

  13. Understand that happiness is not based on possessions, power or prestige, but on relationship with people you love and respect.

  14. Be loyal.

  15. Be honest.

  16. Be a self-starter.

  17. Be decisive even it it means you’ll sometimes be wrong.

  18. Stop blaming others. Take responsibility for every area of your life.

  19. Be bold and courageous. When you look back on your life, you’ll regret the things you didn’t do more than the ones you did.

  20. Take good care of those you love.

  21. Don’t do anything that wouldn’t make your Mom proud.

I have been thinking about the men who are speaking into my own fifteen-year-old son’s life.  What are they are saying?  All of the items listed above are good, but it seems to have some important things missing.

So, I am standing before you with my fifteen-year-old son beside me.

“I am going to ask you to do me and my son a great honor; I am going to ask you to speak into his life. Will you share with him out of your own personal experience some of the wisdom you have gained. What is the best advice you can give my son about the way he live’s his life.”

Please use the comment section below to share your thoughts.

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In the book Teknon and the Champion Warriors, Brent Sapp recommends the following as informative and thoughtful resources for a father to use with his son. What do you think of his recommendations? [There is at least one that I would never consider.] What would you add to his list?

I Kissed Dating Goodbye, by Joshua Harris

Right From Wrong, by Josh McDowell

In the Shadow of the Almighty, by Elisabeth Elliott

Through Gates of Splendor, by Elisabeth Elliott

The Book of Virtues, edited by William Bennett

The Picture of Dorian Gray, by Oscar Wilde

The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, by C.S. Lewis

The Moral Compass, edited by William Bennett

Dominion, by Randy Alcorn

Left Behind, by Tim Lahaye and Jerry Jenkins

This Present Darkness, by Frank E. Peretti

Piercing the Darkness, by Frank E. Peretti

The Testament, by John Grisham

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Fathers and Sons – select quotes

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Walk Two Moons

Walk Two Moons

(click for more book information)

It is easy to see why this book was selected as a Newberry Medal winner (1995).  A bittersweet story of family and friendship, home and adapting to a new normal.

The book is not without its problems; the main character Salamanca Tree Hiddle prays to trees  and on a number of occasions the character development suffers as the 13-year old girls act and talk more like 10-year old girls. About halfway through it may be tempting to write it off as another melancholy angst-ridden tale like those that are currently so popular with teens.  However, don’t stop reading!  This story has an ending that had me crying like a little girl — but in a good way.  Stick with it and you will be rewarded.

I highly recommend the book, but with the following caveat – adults need to read the book if their children are reading it and be prepared to discuss some of the topics covered in this sophisticated plot-line; abandonment, death, grief, boy-girl relationships and dating, openness and honesty between children and parents – and, of course, “Don’t judge a man until you have walked two moons in his moccasins.”

I encourage Christian parents to challenge their young reader to be analytical about the story resolution as it is depicted in the book.  Ask your young’un how and why a Christian might approach the situation differently.  Discussing that question alone is reason enough for both parent and child to invest the time in reading this enjoyable and provocative tale.

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Family Change

changeAll too often when we say we want our family to change, or our organization to change, what we really want is for other people to do the changing. We are like the captain in this story —

Through the pitch-black night the captain sees a light ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal, “Change your course 10 degrees east.”

The light signals back, “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”

Angry, the captain sends, “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!

“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.

Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”

There’s one last reply, “I’m a lighthouse, your call.”

Perhaps when we really want change, we need to be a bit more self-reflective.

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Change – select quotes

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Fathers and Sons – select quotes

A man is not a man until his father says that he is.
~ Robert Lewis

Build me a son, O Lord, who will be strong enough to know when he is weak, and brave enough to face himself when he is afraid, one who will be proud and unbending in honest defeat, and humble and gentle in victory.
~ General Douglas MacArthur

No man will ever rise above the opinion his children have of him.
~ Dennis Rainey

Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing.
~ Albert Schweitzer

Your son at five is your master, at ten your slave, at fifteen your double, and after that, your friend or your foe, depending on his bringing up.
~ Hasdai Ibn Shaprut

My father taught me how to be a man — and not by instilling in me a sense of machismo or an agenda of dominance. He taught me that a real man doesn’t take, he gives; he doesn’t use force, he uses logic; doesn’t play the role of trouble-maker, but rather, trouble-shooter; and most importantly, a real man is defined by what’s in his heart, not his pants.
~ Kevin Smith

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Book Cover

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Movies for Fathers and Sons

In the book Teknon and the Champion Warriors, Brent Sapp recommends the following movies for fathers and sons to watch and discuss together. What do you think of his recommendations? What would you add to his list?

  • Ben Hur (1959) G
  • Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde (1943) not rated
  • The Four Feathers (1939) not rated
  • High Noon (1952) not rated
  • The Robe (1953) not rated
  • Mr Smith Goes to Washington (1939) not rated
  • The Searchers (1956) not rated
  • Support Your Local Sheriff (1969) G
  • Ten Commandments (1956) G
  • Deep Impact (1998) PG-13
  • Hoosiers (1986) PG
  • Man From Snowy River (1982) PG
  • Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn (1982) PG
  • Apollo 13 (1995) PG-13
  • Chariot of Fire (1981) PG
  • The Hiding Place (1975)
  • Iron Will (1994) PG
  • October Sky (1999) PG
  • Rudy (1993) PG
  • Sergeant York (1941) not rated
  • The Spirit of St. Louis (1957) PG
  • Stanley and Livingston (1939) not rated

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Did your parents . . . ?

I am no psychologist, but I try very hard to understand the people around me and I believe that you cannot understand someone in isolation.  Maybe I have been effected by the family systems theory of Salvador Minuchin, but I find it very helpful to consider their family relationships when trying to really understand people; especially a person’s relationship with parents.

Here are twenty-two questions that one psychologist discovered “elicited the most productive and revealing responses.”

  1. Did your parents view the world as irrational?
  2. Were you taught how to develop your mind?
  3. Were you encouraged to think independently?
  4. Were you free to express your opinions openly?
  5. Did your parents ridicule your opinions?
  6. Did your parents treat your thoughts with respect?
  7. Were you psychologically visible to them?
  8. Did you feel you were a source of pleasure to them?
  9. Did your parents deal with you fairly and justly?
  10. Did your parents physically punish you?
  11. Did your parents believe in your basic goodness?
  12. Did they believe in your intellectual potential?
  13. Did they take cognizance of your knowledge and context?
  14. Did your parents cultivate guilt within you?
  15. Did they produce fear within you?
  16. Did they respect intellectual and physical privacy?
  17. Did they want you to have self-esteem?
  18. Did they make you realize that what you made of your life was important?
  19. Did your parents encourage a fear of the world?
  20. Were you encouraged to openly express yourself?
  21. Were you encouraged to like your body and sex?
  22. Was your masculinity or femininity reinforced?

I cannot imagine ever asking a friend several of the questions above.  However, a few of them should be great conversation starters.  In fact, #8 “Did you feel you were a source of pleasure to them?” is very similar to a conversation that I have had with many friends.

What do you think?  Is it important to know about someone’s family in order to really know them?

 

 

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