The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
~ E. E. Cummings
More Bookmarks
And a few more bookmarks I want to make sure are preserved during the transition from AnnotatedBookmarks.info to AnnotatedBookmarks.com…
Picher – Cardin
Groucho Marx – Select Quotes
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Putting Up The Christmas Tree
We still haven’t purchased and put up our Christmas tree this year. It isn’t that we are procrastinating, it is just that we are trying to decide between the tree in the article below or a $20 tree from Lowe’s.
Actual "Out of Office" Email Replies
I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first ten words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.
The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and trysending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
Thank you for your message, which has been adde d to a queuing system… You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
I’ve run away to join a different circus.
I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons… When I return, please refer to me as “Margaret” instead of “Steve”.
Bride Broom
Two brooms were hanging in the closet, and after a while they got to know each other so well they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride-broom, the other the groom- broom.
The bride-broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom-broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, ‘I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!’
‘IMPOSSIBLE !’ said the groom-broom.
‘WE HAVEN’T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!’
__________
Two 84 Year Old Men
Two 84 year old gentlemen were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “I’m 84 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?”
The other man said, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”
“Really? Like a newborn baby?”
“Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
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Two 84 year old gentlemen were out walking.
First one says, “Windy, isn’t it?”
Second one says, “No, it’s Thursday!”
First one says, “So am I. Let’s go get something to drink.”
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Two 84 year old gentlemen were talking and one said, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”
“Really,” answered the other gentleman, “What kind is it?”
The first one answered, “Twelve thirty.”
Custody of the Pepsi
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: “Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?”
Shopping At Walmart
Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists her husband go with her to Walmart. He gets so bored with all the shopping trips. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton gets this letter from Wal-Mart:
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.
Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Wal-Mart:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies rest rooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, ‘Code 3’ in house wares….. and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M’s on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they’ll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks,
‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his “Madonna look” using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled “PICK ME!” “PICK ME!”
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!!!”
And last, but not least…
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, “There is no toilet paper in here!”
Inspirational Stories
Once upon a time there was an inspirational story. It was longer than it needed to be, not really all that accurate, and sappier than Mrs. Butterworth’s, but it was a story.
Then it was transcribed onto an email and sent out to someone.
Then it was sent out to every person int that person’s address book.
Then it was forwarded again to every person in all of those people’s address books, some of whom had already seen it.
Some people complained about getting to much junk mail, but they forwarded the email to everyone else in their address book anyway because the note said to do so or else they would be labelled as a person of moral turpitude.
A few months later the United States, China, and the other members of the G8 surrendered to underdevelopped nations in Africa. It seems that the internet, their communications backbone, was paralyzed by an exponentially growing amount of email that, while inspiring, was clogging the internet so much that nobody could think of anything else nor could they get any real emails.
“And that,” said Mbutu to the crown prince, “Is how we took over the world.”
(HT: A.S. Hodel)
