42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. “You didn’t borrow this.” “I will.”

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, “Why were you going so fast?” I said, “See this thing my foot is on? It’s called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off.”

A fool and his money are soon partying.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store…with a pricing gun. She said, “Give me all of the money in the vault, or I’m marking down everything in the store.”

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

“Did you sleep well?” “No, I made a couple of mistakes.”

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier…I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Half the people you know are below average.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.

I bought a dog the other day…I named him Stay. It’s fun to call him… “Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!” He went insane.

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

I brought a mirror to Lovers’ Lane. I told everybody I’m Narcissus.

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.

I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add to it.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, “Steven, time to go to sleep.” I said, “But I don’t know how.” She said, “It’s real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.” So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said “I thought I told you to go to sleep.”

I couldn’t find the remote control to the remote control.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I didn’t get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn’t see anything, but every now and then you’d hear this rumbling noise go by.

I got a garage door opener. It can’t close. Just open.

I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it.

I got my driver’s license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)…and says, “Here, you can go.”

I had amnesia once or twice.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s going to be up all night

I have a microwave fireplace in my house…The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.

I installed a skylight in my apartment…The people who live above me are furious!

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, “Have you got anything I’d like?” Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, “Extra medium.”

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, “Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?” I said, “yes”.

I mixed this [water] myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don’t trust anybody!

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

I put contact lenses in my dog’s eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. “It was supposed to be hot today.”

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking”, but I don’t have that much time.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day… He said, “Stephen, why haven’t you called me?” I said, “I can’t call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it.” He said, “How long have you had it?” I said, “I don’t know… my calendar has no sevens on it.”

I saw a sign: “Rest Area 25 Miles”. That’s pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn’t see any forests.

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader’s Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

I was born by Caesarian section…but not so you’d notice. It’s just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. “We’re surrounded.”

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said “pet supplies”. So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said “compact cars”.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, “Hey, you have two different colored socks on.” I said, “Yeah, I know, but to me they’re the same because I go by thickness.”

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2×4 and a box of 3×5’s. The clerk said, “ten-four.”

I went to a fancy french restaurant called “Deja Vu.” The headwaiter said, “Don’t I know you?”

I went to a garage sale. “How much for the garage?” “It’s not for sale.”

I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, “What for?” I said, “I’m going to buy some sugar.”

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, “If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?”

I wrote a few children’s books…not on purpose.

I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is. Every once in a while I’ll be listening to the radio and I say, “I think I might have written that.”

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above…so I never have to go upstairs.

Is “tired old cliche” one?

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I’m good, she’ll give me the other one next year.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she’s asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don’t really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

My neighbor has a circular driveway…he can’t get out.

My socks DO match. They’re the same thickness.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on the road an hour.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody’s satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV’s all over the world.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Smoking cures weight problems…eventually…

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, “right here, officer”. Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, “Get out of my driveway!”

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

The sign said “eight items or less”. So I changed my name to Les.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

There aren’t enough days in the weekend.

There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

Tinsel is really snakes’ mirrors.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Today I dialed a wrong number… The other person said, “Hello?” and I said, “Hello, could I speak to Joey?”… They said, “Uh… I don’t think so… he’s only 2 months old.” I said, “I’ll wait.”

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child….eventually.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, “Well, what do you need?”

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity…If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, “what for?”

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

You know how it is when you’re reading a book and falling asleep, you’re reading, reading…and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I’m like that all the time.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.